Saturday, December 13, 2014

I need to tell someone this. He complains too much.

"We perceive what we cannot have to be of more value."

Heard these words tonight in a very, very intellectually stimulating conversation about the mind. I love like-minded friends.

Monday, November 17, 2014

12.38 after midnight, Tuesday; November 18th 2014.

So (before my time's up) I was thinking of posting an entry here that's kind of like a nod to Édouard Levé. Writing an endless stream of thoughts, literally anything that comes to mind. It may come out as a mindless rant.. Pretty confident it'll come out as a mindless rant but that won't stop me from doing it.
Why am I writing about writing it instead? It's late and I'm physically ill so I am posting this as a reminder to myself and so I can pressure myself into following through with this idea soon(-ish).
After all, a story isnt a story if it stays in your head; that's just imagination.

Text to friends with broken legs.

I exist in the in betweens of awake and asleep
In the sound of children's laughters
In a parent's tears of joy
In the blowing breeze of a spring morning.
I exist in the dead of night.
I dwell in your broken dreams.
In all your sadness and regret.
I am with you every moment of every day.
Watching. Waiting. Happy or sad. For better or worse.
I am your sickness and your cure.
I am your mind.
Consuming you alive.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Suicide, Edouard Levé.

"Your life was less sad than your suicide might suggest. You were said to have died of suffering. But there was not as much sadness in you as there is now in those who remember you. You died because you searched for happiness at the risk of finding the void. We shall have to wait for death before we can know what it is that you found. Or before leaving off knowing anything at all, if it is to be silence and emptiness that awaits us."

Sunday, July 27, 2014

"You better be alive when I come back from Raya." - a close friend who shall remain unnamed.

I am actually going to be with my family for Eid this year. What will become of me?

That's something to think about.

Selamat Hari Raya to you anyway. Whoever you are, if you're reading this, have a good celebration. And if like me, you don't celebrate Eid, then have a safe day filled with happiness.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Dad appreciation post.

My father may not be anything close to perfect but he is the best person I have ever known. I appreciate and love him and cherish all the crazy that comes with it.

He may not know how to behave like a conventional father but he has definitely taught me plenty. I love you, Dad. I love you always.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Happened again today. I might be going mad.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Cat peed in my sister's hair while she was asleep this morning. Soaked through her pillow.

Now ain't that rad.

Thursday, May 15, 2014


Sometimes you lay on your bed in the dark, preparing to sleep and wanting some peace of mind, an escape of some sort, be it by reading a book or by listening to music, but you cannot bring yourself to press play on your music player or flip through the pages of your favourite book. Those are the days when you know it's bad. It's almost as bad as it can get.

Then you realise; but hey, I don't feel like dying and I don't wish that existence is optional. At least not today. So you reach for your music player or your book and you escape into a world away from your own until you drift off to sleep before you start the day anew.

I guess today isn't so bad after all.

Not bad at all.


Sunday, April 20, 2014

기억. 윤하. 타블로.

My eyes, my ears, my hands,
My face, my lips, my heart, my soul
remembers you.

그가 미소지어도
내 눈은 그대 그대가 웃고있죠
그와 손을 잡아도
내 손은 그대 그대 손을 느끼죠

내 맘은 그댈 지웠는데
심장은 그댈 비웠는데
분명히 그댈 지웠는데 아직까지도 안돼

이젠 시간이 그대의 모습을 지우고
그대로 가득했던 내 맘을 비워도
내 몸이 그댈 내 몸이 그댈 기억해
(난 기억해 아직까지도 난 그대와)

함께 웃고 있는 사진을 치우고
그대로 가득했던 심장을 비워도
(심장을 비워도)
내 몸이 그댈 기억해
내 몸이 그댈 기억해

지워질수록 선명해지는 그 기억
미워질수록 때눈처럼 다가와 그 기억
내 몸속에 숨을 쉬는가 언제쯤
어둠속에 눈을 감을까 어쨌든
앞을 걸어가도 너 뒤 돌아서도 너

그의 품에 안겨도
내 몸은 그대 그대만을 느끼죠
그와 함께 걸어도
두 발은 그대 그대와 멈춰있죠 

내 눈엔 그대만 보여
아직도 그대 향한 눈물이 고여
두 손엔 그대만 느껴
수갑처럼 그대와의 기억에 묶여
그저 스쳐지나가는 인기척에서도 그대의 기억
아직도 그대 때문에 미쳐 because
내 몸이 그댈 기억해
아직도 그댈 기억해
내 몸이 그댈 비워도 (그대를 지워도)
내 모든게 널 기억해.

'I love you'

'I love you' is not something that I find easy to express to people I have definite love for.
People I love deeply can attest to how rare it is that I vocalise my love for them.

But in the face of new life and probable death,
Upon hearing your loved one, on the phone, holding their breaths in an attempt to will the pain away,
My brain and my heart came together,
And my tongue slipped the 3 words as easily as a skier cruising down a steep slope of snow,
Sliding on my tongue and out my lips,
Conveying my love,
Moving beyond the telephone wires that kept us apart,
Reaching the heart of my loved one at the other end of the line.

"I love you, I love you, I love you"

I cannot seem to say it enough.

I love you.
Be safe.

I love you.
I'll see you soon.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Friday, April 18, 2014


It's almost 4 in the morning and sleep has eluded me once again. Lying awake in my bedroom, looking out the window.

What a surprise.

There is a star in sight. One tiny blinking ball of light. I don't remember the last time I looked up the sky and saw stars. One star in the not so dark sky.

I'd like to say I hate the light pollution but I am afraid of the dark. This star must be an incredibly bright one to beat all the odds and shine in the illuminated city sky.

I never knew I'd feel this good seeing a star.

아, 살아있네.
I feel alive.

Also. Making a point to incorporate as much 한글 in my life as I can or learning the language will go to waste.

Need to be properly trilingual before I start learning another language.

Mastering at least 6 languages is one of my life goals. Yes, I am a simple person with simple goals.

Sleep well.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Friends who fly together, stick together.
Just missing our jet setting days.


K. Not jet setting but we did fly some.

P.s. He could afford a private jet if he wanted to. God knows he flies around enough to justify needing one.

Rindu pula.

oxymoronous git.

Constantly in awe at how different a person seem when you don't know them.
How people you cherish now were once strangers.
Strange strangers.

How perception dictates the way you feel
About a person
About love
About life.
Getting to know something deeply will alter the reality of it.
Not one person perceives another in exactly the same way.
How I see things are not how anyone else would.
How you see life will never be precisely how I see it.
I guess
I guess
Reality is merely fiction.
Because you cannot trust how your mind, your heart choose to see things.

Reality is fiction.
Not that it matters.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The landslide brought me down.

So in the mourning, I'll rise.
In the mourning I'll let you die.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Give me your filth,
Make it rough.
Let me, let me..
Trash your love.

Miss Missing You.

Sometimes before it gets better,
The darkness gets bigger,
The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger.
We're fading fast,
I miss missing you now and then.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

My darlings,

Killing my darlings.
Writing new darlings.
Here's a snippet.
Snip. Snip.

"That's when I knew I loved her, when I realised we were sharing the same reality. People called us delusional, they told us we were hallucinating; a serious case of folie à deux. But we don't care what people think, they are the crazy ones. Not us."


Greedy and tiny.

Mosquitos. I hate mosquitos.
Blood bandits that leave you itchy and red.
Mosquitos, you are not welcomed to harvest my blood.
I have spilled too much in my lifetime to spare some for you.

I once had a greedy mosquito suck my blood.
Once it started, it didn't stop.
The little fucker ended up bloated with my blood.
It's abdomen see-through from accommodating the amount of blood it's ingested.
I blew on it.
It stopped sucking.
I blew on it some more. A little harder this time.
It rolled down from my leg and fell to the floor.
It exploded.

Mosquito carcass and a tiny splatter of my blood.
It was quite an exquisite sight.

Art can be found in the weirdest places.
Art can be found in the tiny explosion of a greedy insect.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Wingardium leviosa.

Julien compared love to bungee jumping. The ability to find the courage to jumpa off a ledge despite being terrified of the outcome.

Will you fall? Definitely. But will your faith keep you safe? Yes... Most of the time. Just like the rope used in bungee jumping, sometimes it snaps. Sometimes your faith, like the rope, is weak and you hit the ground.

But, just like Julien said, the ability to find the courage to jump is an impressive feat and one should not be afraid to fall.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Anderson part 1.

Anderson hates apples and school work and being in public.
Anderson finds comfort in being alone.
Anderson is always alone.
Anderson is not lonely.
Anderson is not lonely.
Anderson is not lonely.
Anderson doesn't know what loneliness is anymore.
Anderson is always alone.
Anderson hates apples.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Epik High's Map The Soul

The poetry that you whisper will echo
through eternity.
The sound of your breath overflows the ears with
every note in musical history.
I'm picking up the pieces of me.
I'm a jigsaw puzzle that fits together to form a desolate
portrait called 'trouble'.
My heart is a rotting basement.
A convict imprisoned in the prison of self, living in the mix with rats.
Everyone mocked my strait-jacket gestures. Was
so sick, my insides twisting and turning like a moebius strip.
So I turned my ear to my inner self and had a three-way conversation between me, myself, and I.
I was captive to a deceptive sense of good and evil.
Caught in the ways of the world.
I was blind because my two eyes, filled with reality,
decieved me.
Now that I've opened up my third eye,
I can see clearly. You are my inspiration, my eternity and my soul.
Without you I got no reason to go on.
I live by breathing you.
My cocooned soul blossoms into a butterfly and soars.

No reason to live without you

You are my sky
And inside you, I saw the sun
I was living in darkness, but now with the light you've given me
I can harvest the field of my heart.
A kiss that brings Spring.
I let out a long sigh because I'm afriad to let go of winter, but like the two ends of the earth
we push and pull.
We are stuck together, like Nother and South Korea.
From the beginning, we were a one-piece existence splite into two.
In the eardrum that we share,
the world 'love' echoes.
Our meeting was destiny.
Even if you're a beautiful blade. I will place you in my hands.
Even if your heart is like the wind, I will follow you.
Even if I must choose the darkness of hell, I will gladly close my eyes and let go of the light,
for you.

No reason to live without you

You are a bright window
in the prison cell that is life.
A river that is like the sea.
Once I fall in, I can't get out.
My weak feet take me into you.
If you ask for my soul, I will give it to you.

Without you, my heart is an empty theater.
How could I survive the world
with such a weak heart?
I wouldn't last a day. You, my rainy April,
I will protect you till the end of the world.

L.O.V.E you, I was made to be with you, made to be with you, made to be with you.

Had good coffee today.

My friend brought me to lunch at her friend's house today. It was nice. Her friend cooked a feast. Halfway through the meal her husband asked to be excused. When he left, the wife (my friend's friend) started crying.

It was that special kind of crying, where your tears just flow silently in a steady stream. I didn't understand.

Their baby started crying in the room above, but no one seemed to notice. We ate our food and my friend continued to chatter cheerfully. It was a bizarre scene. I finished my food just as the baby stopped crying.

After lunch she served us coffee. I had two cups. The coffee was divine but the conversations were awkward. No one seemed to pay attention to what they or anyone else was saying. I sat quietly savoring my coffee. We left not long after that, her husband never returned.

On our way back my friend told me he was in the back shooting up.

I had no idea heroine addicts could look so well put together.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

"Can I invite you in to the sorrow that has become my home?"


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Good things after midnight.

Still air of midnight comes alive with laughters of friends
Old memories and past mistakes
Shared deep in the dead of night
None to be heard but the echoes of voices
Reminiscing the have beens and have nots

A flurry of thoughts rushing out through fast tongues
My foggy mind recalling moments past once forgotten
Simple pleasures.
Ah, simple pleasures.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Blow me a bubble or two.

I don't want to die. At least not now.

But there are days when you just need everything to slow down.
Some days you just want life to stop.
But not to die. Never to die.
You just want to stop being.

Existing is such a burden.

What would it feel like to vanish into thin air like a bubble? (Must be nice).

Sometimes when I heave and cry,
And the crushing pain weighs heavy in the hollow of my soul,
The kind of pain that is unlike any physical pain I am accustomed to,
When I am curled up in a fetal position like an unborn child not ready to face the world,
I would hear the sound of my mother's voice shouting at a 4 year old me, telling me to stop or she would hit me again and again and again.

Sometimes I would swallow my tears and will myself to stop reacting to the crushing pain I feel bringing me down inside.

And I would tell her, in the voice of the 4 year old me "no more. No more. No more."

Monday, March 3, 2014

The weather today resonates my state of mind as of late.


Thursday, February 27, 2014

It is so hard living in fear that you are not enough.
Especially when your days are constant reminders of how inadequate you are.
I dont need much but I want everything.
I want everything for everyone but none for myself.
I want to be everything for everyone.

I want to please. I want to be enough.

But I am flawed.
I am never going to be enough. Not for myself, not for anyone.

Friday, February 21, 2014


Some nights I just want to go to sleep forever.
Dying seems easy until you realise it is not the end.

I just want it to end. Sometimes.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

5PM, Chatty friends.

It is okay if you want to conform to what the society sees as the 'right' way of living.
Even if there is no clear right or wrong way to live.
You just live.
But don't condemn me for choosing to live my life how I want to live it.
I don't do it to you, I expect the same courtesy in return.

P.S. you incessantly complain about your hate for bandwagonners, but you are one of them. Be who you want to be, not who society expects you to be.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Running With Scissors.

"I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it us sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks -accidentally- and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you're alive."

PS: Don't ever settle for someone less than you deserve.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Sweet child o' mine.

I had a dream about mother last night. I was so angry. I woke up crying.

I always wake up crying in anger when I dream about her.

Biggest lesson I learned from her: never have kids.

I will make for a shit parent.