Friday, February 26, 2010

Saturdaaaaaaaay oooooooh.

"This is a stick up, give us all your inspirations baby"

I am listening to Saturday by Fall Out Boy, hence, the title.. Not because it is actually Saturday. Now that that is cleared out, let me start for real.

I'm not sure if it's creepy or if it's a good thing that I now blog daily (almost). :O It's not like I'm not tired, but if what a friend say is true, then I must try to use my writing skills as much as I can if I ever want to get out of this writer's block. My eyes are half asleep, but I'm determined to write, plus I need to finish this book.

So let me tell you about today (since I really really have nothing interesting to talk about). I have about two new bruises on my right hand, and currently, I can't twist my right wrist around.. fun. Also, I need to issue a very very big thank you to a Sabrina for being a sweetheart and paying for our dinner tonight (ALL 10 OF US okay!). It must've cost a bomb, considering the number of people who came to join dinner with us after. So thanks again Sab, you don't suck so much sometimes (:

Then yesterday, I realized that if we looked hard enough at the night sky, we'll see that there's plenty of stars we'd usually miss. So there I was, lying under the open night sky, completely in awe God's creation, though at the same time complaining that we hardly ever get to see stars (like plenty of 'em) at night here in the city when I realised that the little, less noticeable stars were twinkling almost violently at me... It was as if they were trying their very hardest for me to notice them. I quietly apologised to the stars and continued admiring the night sky. You people should try it sometime, it makes you feel humbled and reminds you that we sometimes need to stop moving at such a fast pace and stop to smell the roses or in my case; lie down under the open, unbelievably beautiful night sky.

On that note, I shall go to sleep. Work tomorrow. I don't know how Sab's gonna do it on no sleep (part of the reason I declined her offer for tonight... heheeee). Nighty night.

Boyfriend, if you're reading this.. I am so gonna miss running my fingers through your hair when you cut it off :( I wish you luck for that thing! xD See you in your tux soon, love. I love love loveeee you. (:

"Let the leaves fall off in the summer and let December glow in flames"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


So, while I was cleaning my room some few weeks ago, I found a letter I wrote when I was twelve for my (then) bestfriend, Aishah (which I of course never did gave the letter to her). It was surprising, to say the least how good my english was when I was twelve (this said, because I found other letters that I've written, and needless to say... My english was, to say the least, embarassing. Aside from that, what's so surprising was that my point of views haven't really changed much since I was twelve... That could mean one of two things, either I haven't grown up or I was pre-mature... but, it could also mean I'm just weird. Eitherway, I thought I'd share it here, since I feel like I have yet to share something truly personal that comes from deep within me... at least, the twelve year old me.

"Dear Aishah,

I think it is better when a person changes because that would mean that that person has evolved into something else because that would mean that at least they have the capability to adapt to new situations instead of staying in the same stoic mental state of mind. It was okay to be following you around for almost all of my primary school life, but I have come to realise that it is no longer okay for you to keep me on an invicible, but very long leash. It would be a huge lie if you (after reading this) come up to me and say you never kept me on a leash, because bitch, you know very well you did. That was all you wanted to be, the Queen Bee... And now that primary school is coming to an end, let's see the Queen Bee get thrown off the throne for good.

When you said I've changed because I 'no longer appreciate' your opinion, it was shocking to me.. Not because you said I've changed, but because you were actually paying attention to me and the things I say for once, enough to realise that I no longer wish to participate in this half-life, half-lie that I lead with you. Pretending that your boy problems (what with you cheating on that certain boy, and juggling him with those OTHER boys from your agama school) is way more important than anything I was going through. You must have fallen off from your bed when I talked back to you, instead of accepting every little hurtful thing you said to/about me like I usually do.

Aishah, finally standing up for myself isn't changing, it is just me finally getting my courage to be who I am. I like being me, at least who I am right now. If you really are my bestfriend, you would have been here with me, embracing me in this new light, but instead, like the cold stone you are, you stand there, arms wrapped around your very lamely, skinny fgure, the statue of a girl full of spite. How are you to be my friend, when clearly, you cannot accept such good change? I may very well change again in 5, 10 years time, and during that time I shall embrace the change, because let's face it, no one stays the same forever (because then the world will never evolve right?) and if you can't accept me in this whole new light how are you to accept me in 5, 10 years time? Eventhough I have tolerated and most importantly accepted you for who you are and all your daily tantrums and gedik-ness, you refuse to accept me... just when I start to learn about and to love myself. Now what does that say about you miss queen? Worst part is, instead of me leaving you (as it should be), you are leaving me for Iman!!! I do hope everything in your life works out for you, I really do. And I just know that my next bestfriend would be a million times better than you, and she or he, would NEVER leave me because I have evolved, my bestfriend would embrace the change and walk with me, step by step towards greatness, that is our future.

I always thought you were diamond in the rough, but you had to prove me wrong, I now see that you are stone... Cold, icy stone.

Have a good life.


About the 'Nicky', I can totally explain. We used to fancy ourselves the Hilton girls... naturally, I'm Nicky, the less famous, less prettier of the two... By choice of course, I always gave her what she wanted. I guess that was my fault really, couldn't blame her for leaving eyh? I mean, imagine her shock when she realised that I actually have backbone. Hahahahaha. If you know me, you'd see that I haven't changed much actually... Except the part where I let people walk all over me. I also don't walk on eggshells anymore. But other than that, I think my opinions are still, more or less similar to the twelve year old me. I haven't changed much really, it's just people that have yet to open their eyes and SEE me clearly and not just a shadow behind another person.

Reading the letter, and holding it in my hand really made me miss that passion, and fire I had for writing when I was years younger. I wish I haven't been stuck on this bloddy writer's block for the past two and a half years. God, please grant me some inspiration. Amin.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Dao Of St. Paul

I've had this song on repeat for the past month. I listen to it when I go to work, when I'm at work, when I'm going home from work, during my morning showers and just about a million more times before I finally can fall asleep. It's just one of those songs that you get stuck playing over and over again once you've really heard it. I'll put the lyrics, verse by verse between my update.

In this night, I need to call you but all the lines are blown. If only you knew, how empty I feel. But maybe then you're lonely too, and it's tearing through you like a punctured wound. Maybe no one knows what to do. When we know we're alone in a temporary home. Maybe we'll realize that's a blessing in disguise. A blessing in disguise.

Let's see, works been fine. It's work, nothing much to elaborate on. Thank you to all you sexy people who came to visit me. If you didn't get free ice cream, don't blame me... You all yang leave tiba tiba *coughyakikizhafcough* Hahah. My brother's operation, Alhamdulillah, went splendidly. He's staying over here for a bit, while he recovers (Mama's boy kan). And my not very pregnant anymore sister gave birth to a beautiful but oddly has the same skintone as me boy, named Nur Muhammad Darwisy (: He's a loud, eerily adult baby, nevertheless, still very lovable.

Well don't you know the sound of anger brings a dark result. And every insult is like a lightning bolt. So go home now, oh yeah, you don't have one, to some guy that you don't know. And make a baby, but that won't change my problem though. I spent the last three years setting myself on fire for you. I spent the last three years never knowing if what you say is true. And it'll be this way until one of us dies. Is that a blessing in disguise? It's a blessing in disguise.

On a rather sad note, my sister from another father is leaving for Singapore on the 6th! :( Just two days shy from her birthday, which means we shall ALL be celebrating our birthdays (all four of us hopefully, since kita semua birthday in March) together. Or I'll just celebrate with her and skinny mini since she owes me a meal anyway. *cue evil grin* Therefore, I shall not be going to Paramore since I cannot take another day off from work, which is quite sad. But as I was getting my panties twisted in a bunch after I realized that I'm not going to Paramore, Ira texted to see if I wanted to go to Placebo. I say "FUCK YEAH!" but then again, I may be working on that day *double :(*

And I tell myself what we're living for. And say: rejoice, evermore. Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah 'Til one of us dies.

What else, what else. Erm, Haiqal got his hair cut recently, which was weird because he's had long hair all his life! But, comel lah dia with short hair! :D And on that happy note, I saw the boyfriend today.. It was so weird, I had to share this. I didn't know he was coming to visit me at work, and when I saw him walk into the place I think I just froze for a bit. I've missed him so much! :') I bet he didn't know how fast my heart was beating as I rushed towards him for a much needed, warm, loving hug. My heart kept beating really hard and fast the whole time he was there, for some reason, it felt like falling all over again only harder. (: And considering how shitty my day was today, he was like a breath of fresh air after being immersed in dark, murky waters. Love, I still miss you, I love you, and regardless of what happens, especially after tonight, believe me I'm always going to be here for you. Lover, friend, whatever (as you should know, I always stick around). I wish I could've been more help though, with tonight :/ I love you. (:

Well I confess that so far happiness eludes me in my life. You better hurry up if its ever to be mine. Better hurry up now if we're ever gonna find, what we're living for. If it's not you, anymore. I'll learn, To sing: Evermore, rejoice.

I hope everything else in the near future will turn out good. Especially regarding certain complications. Amiiiiin. Anyways, I shall now enjoy being able to not worry what time I should be up tomorrow since it is, my day off from ice cream. :D

Evermore, rejoice


Monday, February 15, 2010


Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Chops" because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Autumn" because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem And he called it "Innocence: A Question" because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her That was the year that Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do

And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem And he called it "Absolutely Nothing" Because that's what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.

If you don't know where this is from, you might as well get a razor blade and kill yourself.