I've been hinting on my impending suicide for a while now.
No one worries anymore because everyone thinks I won't do it. I wish I share their faith.
I don't trust myself.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I shake and I bite the insides of my mouth until it bleeds. The urge to just up and leave. I tell myself it would be easy, but it would be too easy.
How does one leave behind so many others who'd have to answer for their suicide? It's easy for me, but like I said; too easy. I've given so much thought, I've spent most of my life running away from my thoughts and suppressing the urges, keeping the darkness at bay. But what happens when you're left alone?
I am strong enough to stay but not enough to live.
It's easy to smile and say it will be okay. You learn to believe the lies you tell others.
How do you keep the darkness at bay when it's so inviting? The light blinds and drowning in darkness doesn't look too bad then. But at what cost? Suicide is contagious, I'd much rather not start infecting others.
I need these urges to go away, I cannot do it, I cannot do this to everyone.
No matter how far I go or how deep I get into isolation, I somehow still end up surrounded by people who make me feel worthless.
And that is the truth.
Q is constantly in the heart of inadequate. It doesn't matter where I am, people make me feel inadequate. worthless.
That's possibly how I truly feel about myself. At least that's what a shrink would say. Those toads are trained frauds with scripts I can recite in my sleep.
Head Space is a safe, dangerous place. I've just realised that worthlessness feels much worse than being suicidal.
As always, grateful for still being able to feel... feelings.