Saturday, August 27, 2011
I guess I never took account on how difficult it would be leaving this place. A year and a half here flew by like they were only weeks but at the same time it dragged on endlessly. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it’s as if time went really fast and really slow at the same time. This would be your typical ‘leaving-a-phase-of-life’ post and if you are sick and tired of those already, you’re welcome to close the blog now.
Back to what I was saying; time flew by. When I first got here, I thought I’d kill myself (well not literally, I’ve gone down that road before, so I’m not doing it again) because of how isolated this place is. And then I met a bunch of people that I felt made my stay here worthwhile. At least for a while they did. But then after a year, you start to learn how hypocritical, judgmental and ugly a lot of people are…especially within their own race. It is a shame really because we could all have accomplished something big together. A lot of things happened while I was here. They are memories of moments kept locked inside the vault in my mind of the bad, the good and the wonderful things that has happened to me (to us) here.
Coming here, I had an impression in my mind; one that has been etched there thanks to the stigmas I’ve heard about going to a remote place to study and people’s expectations of kids studying foundation (especially for science and law foundation students). I was never really smart, in fact I was a below average student and when it came to social life, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I had none, but I’m not really that cool either so I guess I had quite a few assumptions coming here to complete my foundation in law at an isolated campus, 400 kilometers away from home. I thought the people were going to be divided into ‘weird rednecks’, ‘religious folks’, ‘the cool people’, ‘the brick behind the wall kids’ and then the rest of us; who don’t really fit anywhere but somehow just exist. Which I was not completely wrong about by the way, they were all divided into exactly those groups of people but what hadn’t expected was that they would all merge into one and be one big, ball of shallow, narrow minded human beings hating on people of their own race.
I can’t recall how many times people here have mocked us Malays that use English as the main medium for communication. The typical snarly comments like ‘Bajet mat salleh la tu speaking’, ‘aku Melayu, tak reti cakap bahasa Inggeris’, ‘Tak reti cakap Melayu dah ke?’, ‘Lupa la tu bontot sama hitam macam aku tapi bukan main lagi speaking dia’ and my personal favourite when I start conversing in English; ‘Oh, kan kau dari KL’.
At first, their words did get to me. I kept thinking that I must have made the worst first impression in the world, that everyone must have thought that I am some city slicker who refuses to speak in my mother tongue just because I feel like I am better than them and that made me so inferior for a while. It’s not like I didn’t know how to speak in Malay, I just feel more comfortable speaking in a language that helps me describe what I want to say more accurately.
Bukan tak boleh aku nak cakap bahasa Melayu. Mungkin tak sefasih korang semua kat luar sana, tapi hakikatnya, aku tetap anak Malaysia, aku tetap berdarah Melayu, mustahil lah kalau aku tak reti cakap Melayu, cuma, apa yang susah sangat nak terima apabila orang Melayu fasih berbahasa Inggeris dan memilih bahasa tu untuk jadi bahasa utama bila berkomunikasi. Apa yang susahkan korang sangat kalau orang tu reti cakap bahasa Inggeris pun. Aku mengaku, kalau ada unsur unsur bangga diri bila aku ‘speaking’ then it’s just how I speak, I swear, if I am an arrogant person, it wouldn’t be because I can speak fluent English.
Jujurnya aku menyesal sebab at first I conformed to the peer pressure here… Pressured into suppressing what I have always done all my life; communicating in English. I could speak fluently in English, but I wasn’t as good as I’d like to be, I needed to learn and expand my English but coming here stumped that process. Sekarang, it’s like I’m back in primary school… Basic English pun boleh salah, grammar tunggang langgang, vocab dah tak kuat, susunan ayat dah lari kemana entah. Sedih, sebab takut sangat orang ingat aku ni berlagak sampai sanggup memundurkan diri sendiri.
Anyways, it’s 2.01 am and I’d love to go on tapi I’ve class in the morning tomorrow and I have a feeling y’all are also sick of reading. InsyaAllah, I will be continuing this long rant in my next post. Until then, take care.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
It’s been a while since I last wrote. Now isn’t that always the case? It’s always “been a while” since my last whatever but it really has been quite some time since my last. It’s not like I haven’t been writing… I have. But somehow, I save them, all my unfinished drafts hidden in a folder on my hard drive where it will never see the light of day. I don’t know why I don’t publish them, my thoughts, when I know it’d satisfy me to know that there are people out there (like you, right now) taking a few minutes off your daily routine to read on what I have to say here. Well maybe that’s just wishful thinking, maybe no one is reading my dusty, old blog. Maybe I’m just ranting to myself like I always have. In which case, I’m talking to myself right now. Haha. That’s sadly entertaining to me, reading my own useless musings. Posting it here, hoping that someone, somewhere out there would stumble upon my blog and find me interesting, at least interesting enough to want to get to know me and then subsequently keep coming to my blog to find out more about who I am, what I like and what makes me tick. All done not to gain followers or popularity like some of the people I know but to gain self confidence, to (sometimes) be in the spotlight because I guess that’s what matters to someone who writes, regardless of what they’re writing, that even just for a couple minutes, someone out there is reading the words they so carefully or thoughtfully chose to put together, forming sentences they cherish so much as a result of their own creativity.
That’s it. I want to write. I want to write well. I want to tell stories about my life. I want to tell stories about how I wish my life was. I want to write stories for those who can’t write for themselves. I want to write. That is what I want to do with my life. I miss being that person I used to be when I was younger. I used to write so effortlessly. I never cared about how it would turn out or get worried that people would judge my choice of words or analyze my grammatical errors (I was never good at grammar), I just wrote and wrote with such gusto and fire.
It’s not true if I state that I am old because truth of the matter is, I am a young girl with such a long path waiting ahead of me, but in other aspects of (my) life, I am old. I lost my flair; at least I think I have. Friends would tell me that I’m rusty, that I just need to practice, that writing, expressing myself through words is just like riding a bike, “once you start writing again, you won’t stop!” they would say. But it has been a while since I last (properly) wrote something worthwhile and to say that my lack of inspiration has dampened my artistic being would be a tremendous understatement.
I miss writing, I miss writing well, and I miss writing for the sake of writing. Sometimes, it sucks, growing up because you hardly ever get the chance to spread your wings and fly like you once could when you were young and free. Now my wings are confined within chains of responsibilities and constrained under the locks that comes with growing old and truth be told, it really is starting to hurt under this self-made prison that comes with age. So please, dear God, help me. I want my muse. I want to be inspired. I want to express myself. I want to write.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
[April 21st, 2011]
I guess you never really knew what you had until it’s gone. This has rang true on so many levels on the current part of my life so far but also has been proven wrong on one particular part of my life.
The first thing, or to be exact, person I’ve been missing as of late is my father who is busy in Sarawak for the recent elections and is now staying back to make sure everything else runs smoothly. It’s not that I have never appreciated my father but he’s almost always around for me. It’s been a while since he’s been away from home this long. The last time he called, he told me that’s he’s only coming back after the Kaul Festival wihich is the traditional Melanau festivities to celebrate the spirit of the sea. Basically Kaul is when the Melanaus gather around at the beach and burn food and other things so that their catch this season for their village fishermen will be bountiful and blessed by the spirit of the sea. Kaul this year falls on the 30th of April which means that my dad would be have been away from home for about a month. I really miss coming home to him asking how my day was. He was always so interested about my life, regardless of the good or the bad stuff… I just miss talking to him. And it doesn’t help the fact that the house doesn’t feel as safe without him around. So I guess, in that sense, I never really knew how much I valued him until he left for Sarawak.
And then there’re my siblings I really miss. Usually, I complain about how much time I had to spend with them despite loving them as much as I do, seeing their faces gets sickening to a point. But since I came back, everyone’s been busy. The only time I get to spend with DeeDee since my holidays started was when she was sending me off for MUET and when I saw her shortly for drinks. My eldest sister, Rynna, on the other hand’s been busy with her family and her husband’s been swamped with work that they haven’t had time to visit and actually spend quality time with me. When it comes to Rynna, mostly I complain a lot when she’s around because she’s really the annoying sister but she is still my sister and I miss her. As for Zhariff, my 12 year old brother… The last time I got the spend more than 15 minutes with him was when he was forced to sit down and eat his dinner with me. Him being the captain for the Blue House for his school, he has also been busy and almost always after he comes home from practice in the evening, he’s tired and all he wants is sleep. And during the weekends, because of the absence of our father, he hates being trapped home with mother so he leaves for his friends house, leaving me all alone. In fact, this weekend Zhariff is sleeping over at his bestfriend’s place which means I will be left all alone.
And then there’s one thing that I have always valued, but it seems in vain. Something I thought I was ready to write about in the beginning of this post but… I guess I’m not strong enough just yet. So until next time yes?
[May 3rd, 2011]
“You do it to yourself, you do. And that’s what really hurts is that you do it to yourself”
It’s been a long holiday and I’ve drafted so many things on blogger but somehow have restrained from posting them… I don’t really know why but whatever eyh?
It’s almost two months now since I’ve been home on my holidays. It’s been going pretty well, I’ve traveled a bit… All one night occasions because my friends are old, busy people with actual schedules to keep (BOOO YOU WHORES. Hahah) but it’s been good. Emotional roller coaster all the way and I have been doing a lot of growing up since I’ve been back. I guess that’s the process we all go through in the last years of our youth; learning to grow up or at the very least, learning to cope with everyone else growing up around you. It hasn’t been easy being back if I’m being truthful to myself, mostly because (and now I see) I have always used studying 400kms away from home as like a safe haven (if you can call it haven) and being back just means that I have to face quite a lot of things in the face, literally and metaphorically.
That said, I also learned one thing which is my room has somehow magically turned into a refuge for me. It makes me feel safe and completely secured. Most nights, being in this room has saved me from all these evil, disturbing thoughts that has made a permanent home in a big space of my mind. I say this because, it’s been tumultuous here at home and among some of the people I’m closest with and being able to just shut them out is something I really need. No mother, no you or you or you and YOU can penetrate the shield my haven has.
I’ve also learned to accept that some people are just not meant to stay in my life. I know that people always leave and sometimes they do come back but on the occasion that they don’t (which is more likely to happen, unfortunately) I am now able to cope with the empty space that those people leave behind. And sometimes people who leave, they don’t ever truly leave, they’re still there… Only, everything’s different and nothing is ever really be the same anymore (like in the case of me and former bestfriend). Besides, attempting to reconcile a relationship of that magnitude is just too much to take emotionally after all the hurt we’ve been through… You can’t really fix what was never really broken but when you go back it’s just not the same anymore. It’s there but there really is nothing you can do about it and that’s okay.
Well, I don’t really have a point here today… I just thought I’d update on what’s been going on. Haha. Until next time then.
Friday, March 25, 2011
For the holidays, I thought I was gonna immediately work but I guess God works in mysterious ways because BALIK BALIK JE TERUS TAK SIHAT. Haha. Enjoy sangat balik rumah sampai terus sakit. I think my body is in too much shock because I'm suddenly HAPPY. You guys should understand that Merbok is a very depressing place.
Anyhow, when I say God works in mysterious ways tu sebab as I was lying on my bed, coughing my throat out, daddy came in my room with news. He got me a freelance writing job for this company (I'm not allowed to say their name for reasons to be mentioned in a bit) writing random stuff on whatever topic they decide to give me. Here's why I can't tell y'all the name of the company I'm currently writing for....
You know how when you're in college/university you have to write all these long essays and thesis? Don't you wish you can pay for someone awesome to write the paper for you instead? Yeah, this is what this company does. Basically people send in topics of their homeworks, pay like less than 50 bucks and people like me, do it for them.
I know it sounds like a shitty job kind of, but really, it's quite awesome because...... If I finish 20 pages or more (around 225 words per page) in one day for 5 days a week, the company will pay me RM 1,500 IN CASH... well at least that's what it accumulates to at the end of the month. Of course I'm not doing THAT much. As if I have so much free time la kan? Haha. I average about 15 pages per day, almost 5 days a week so I get a little less than 1.5k but added to my monthly allowance, is more than enough (: Best part is that I work in the comfort of my own home, dressed in my boxers and baju tido and I'm given 24 hours to write down crap. That's it. Simple kan? It really is a very nice part time work. So thank you daddy (:
So... while I was working on my essay just a few hours ago... I took the time to surf the internet and stumbled upon scholarship applications. I have decided that, if I choose to continue with my law degree... I would like to apply for the BNM Scholarship. The requirements sound simple enough. Under the age of 25, minimum CGPA 3.5 (which was what I was aiming for anyway), passed SPM with credits for BM and English subjects, have CONFIRMED will have a place in a recognised local or private university; which is awesome because I am under the UiTM Pre-Law programme which means that I will DEFINITELY have a place in UiTM, our beloved local Uni and applicant must have good command of the English language for both written and oral. Another reason why I would choose to apply for this scholarship is because they not only offer scholarship for the law program, they also offer this same scholarship for students who are interested in pursuing with Shariah Law which is what I plan to continue studying! How great is that?! :D
Well, that's that. Off to continue my work. Heh. Toodles.
Friday, March 18, 2011
It’s 3am and I’m flying high like a bird. Everyone told me that drinking is a no-no when I have finals in less than a week’s time but no one said anything about weed coming from the lovely mother earth… So please, bear with my future typos and grammatical errors, I am not in the right state to be typing away.
In the last couple days that I’ve been home, I learned that I am on the brink of unveiling a brand new start to my life. Re-setting my emotional, spiritual and physical being for the sake of my future self revolution. I learned that letting go is the best thing to do, learning from past mistakes and learning from past accomplishments. Take the things I’ve learned in my past experiences and acknowledge the beauty of life by watching movies of my best memories and dreams of my future. I am not afraid of a lot of things but one thing I am most afraid of is the future. I wonder what the future has in store for me, career-wise, relationship-wise and on the whole, me.
I guess losing you of all people wasn’t part of what I planned for a couple years ago, but that happened and I learned from that. I learned a lot, and grew into a different person… Maybe not necessarily for the better but I grew. I used to miss you every damn day but now I don’t know if I still have the ability to care anymore. I hope you do well in life. All the best for you.
And as for you bestfriend, I love you and will always love you. Thank you for being there for me when I thought all was lost. Thank you for being there for me, giving me the warmest hugs and wiping away my tears when I needed a friend the most. I cannot thank you enough. What we have here, it’s special, it’s different, and it’s nothing like I’ve ever known or even heard of before. It’s so much easier to hate when you have reason to…. You never hurt me; I can’t bring myself to get over our memories because you never hurt me. Not even once. I keep telling myself it’s not the right time but then again, I might be telling myself the same thing for the next few years. But what the hell, you’re still here for me aren’t you? You’re there and you are always gonna have my back no matter what. Right now, aside from family, I trust you most. And you deserve to be trusted the way I trust you. I’m here for you. There are certain people in life that you know are meant to stay be it as lovers, friends or just good company and you are definitely one of those people. I love you, always.
The boy with one of the biggest hearts and one of the bestest of best friends I could ever ask for, please never leave my side the same way I’ll never leave yours. Aiman Danial, whatever it is that you need; I pray I am. I love you bestfriend. Thank you for everything.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
"Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?"
I live for nights like these. Yes, the great company, the lovely night and the wonderful reminder that I have friends around me all the time for better or for worse. But what’s best about nights like these are the conversations. The conversations you have once the rumpus quiets down and the only ones left are the ones that you hold dearest to your heart. Tonight was no exception.
I love having these kinds of conversations, the kind that you share with close friends, and the kind that makes you feel, for once, time doesn’t envy you as it always does. Conversations that silences the bedlam that goes around and boggles with your mind at every waking moment, threatening to spiral you down into emotional madness.
Tonight, for a few hours, time stopped. And we made full use of it. These conversations filled with spoken words of our inner thoughts, thoughts we never knew we had, feelings we never knew existed. Epiphanies hitting you hard like ice cold showers in the mornings. I love you, but I love this friendship more. I’m glad we told each other what we both needed to know, I’m glad we voiced what we needed to say; about those girls and about those guys. I like stories; I love your stories even more. I’m glad we stuck it out, all of us. Despite everything that’s been said and done. You, yes you, your time will come… And that happiness will be ours. I love your lengthy explanations, defensiveness when it comes to emotions. I love your vulnerability when it’s just you and me. One day, you’ll stop caring about those things and when that day arrives all of us will be here to cheer you on, to help you find that peace you need within yourself.
There is no more need for words now because we know it’s all up to you now. We love you and we want what’s best for you, I especially want only to see you fully happy and satisfied with life as you should be. You’ve always been the lucky one, so please, keep going forwards honey, we’ll be running side by side with you, cheering you on like we’ve always done.
I love you, and I know you love me. I’d give everything to you if I could I know all of us would. You just need to figure everything out, like you promised you would. We’ll wait for you, I’ll wait for you (hey, a promise is a promise right? J ) and we’ll see how things go from there okay? Eight souls waiting to push you back up; should you fall of the track, to pray for your best and do all that we can to help you. You remember your promise to me don’t you? I love you, I always have and I always will regardless of however you choose to lead your life, who you choose to be with, how you decide to live it. Just remember, you have a strong support system behind your back. Stop thinking, stop caring about everything too much, and I’m sure
you we’ll be fine.
I love you and I’m here for you as I’ve always been just like the rest of us. I promise you, that happiness; it’s ours. You will always, ALWAYS have a friend in me.
With much love; forever yours,
"I have habits that I can't shake and if you try to take that from me then I'll never be the same trainwreck that I am"
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
It’s been a while since I actually posted anything on Dear Gravity. I guess a long update and an apology would be apropos but such isn’t my style. Although it would be awkward to just jump into a story, so let’s start with something light like the weather.
How’s the weather like where you’re from? Here in Kedah the weather’s been unpredictable. One day it would be unbelievably cold and showering on one of those days would be a very bad idea and then the next day it would be scorching hot that you’d start to wonder if you’d ever survive in hell when you die. Anyhow, it’s been quite dramatic over here in UiTM where some things suck and everything is lesser than it’s expected to be. Tests didn’t go as well as I expected them to and every morning I am annoyingly reminded that I am another day closer to my final exams in March.
Now that that’s done with, let me tell you a story.
Once there was a boy, whose ambition was to be of help to people of the world and make lots and lots of money. As he grew older, he realized that getting into politics would be a good way to help people in need so when he was offered to do law in a local university, he didn’t have to think twice and took the first step into realizing his dreams to be a politician. About halfway through studying law foundation, he realized that there was an inner dilemma between his passion (English) and his dreams (politics). So he contemplated and thought a lot about it… After what seemed like a long time of thinking and brain work, he came to the conclusion that he doesn’t really know what he wants to do in life. He doesn’t really know what he’s good at; he’d like to think that writing is his forte and that he should major in English but in today’s world, having a degree in English really means squat. On the other hand, he doesn’t know if he really wants to continue doing law because after everything he’s witnessed, he’s starting to think like he’s not cut out to play with the big boys in the cruel, dirty game that is the politics. So now he’s back to square one, completely clueless on what to do with his life. Questions like ‘What are you good at?’ and ‘What don’t you mind doing for the rest of your life?’ comes to mind when he starts thinking of the right educational path he should take. His dad tells him that it doesn’t matter what he wants to do, if he wants to help people, he can do it any way he can without ever having to go into the foul world of politics… So what should he do then? If he doesn’t do politics? Not knowing what his talents are also adds to the pressure of choosing the right path.
So, if you know him, could you please let him know what you think? And if you think you know him well enough… how about his talents? Anything he should know?