Saturday, May 21, 2011
[April 21st, 2011]
I guess you never really knew what you had until it’s gone. This has rang true on so many levels on the current part of my life so far but also has been proven wrong on one particular part of my life.
The first thing, or to be exact, person I’ve been missing as of late is my father who is busy in Sarawak for the recent elections and is now staying back to make sure everything else runs smoothly. It’s not that I have never appreciated my father but he’s almost always around for me. It’s been a while since he’s been away from home this long. The last time he called, he told me that’s he’s only coming back after the Kaul Festival wihich is the traditional Melanau festivities to celebrate the spirit of the sea. Basically Kaul is when the Melanaus gather around at the beach and burn food and other things so that their catch this season for their village fishermen will be bountiful and blessed by the spirit of the sea. Kaul this year falls on the 30th of April which means that my dad would be have been away from home for about a month. I really miss coming home to him asking how my day was. He was always so interested about my life, regardless of the good or the bad stuff… I just miss talking to him. And it doesn’t help the fact that the house doesn’t feel as safe without him around. So I guess, in that sense, I never really knew how much I valued him until he left for Sarawak.
And then there’re my siblings I really miss. Usually, I complain about how much time I had to spend with them despite loving them as much as I do, seeing their faces gets sickening to a point. But since I came back, everyone’s been busy. The only time I get to spend with DeeDee since my holidays started was when she was sending me off for MUET and when I saw her shortly for drinks. My eldest sister, Rynna, on the other hand’s been busy with her family and her husband’s been swamped with work that they haven’t had time to visit and actually spend quality time with me. When it comes to Rynna, mostly I complain a lot when she’s around because she’s really the annoying sister but she is still my sister and I miss her. As for Zhariff, my 12 year old brother… The last time I got the spend more than 15 minutes with him was when he was forced to sit down and eat his dinner with me. Him being the captain for the Blue House for his school, he has also been busy and almost always after he comes home from practice in the evening, he’s tired and all he wants is sleep. And during the weekends, because of the absence of our father, he hates being trapped home with mother so he leaves for his friends house, leaving me all alone. In fact, this weekend Zhariff is sleeping over at his bestfriend’s place which means I will be left all alone.
And then there’s one thing that I have always valued, but it seems in vain. Something I thought I was ready to write about in the beginning of this post but… I guess I’m not strong enough just yet. So until next time yes?
[May 3rd, 2011]
“You do it to yourself, you do. And that’s what really hurts is that you do it to yourself”
It’s been a long holiday and I’ve drafted so many things on blogger but somehow have restrained from posting them… I don’t really know why but whatever eyh?
It’s almost two months now since I’ve been home on my holidays. It’s been going pretty well, I’ve traveled a bit… All one night occasions because my friends are old, busy people with actual schedules to keep (BOOO YOU WHORES. Hahah) but it’s been good. Emotional roller coaster all the way and I have been doing a lot of growing up since I’ve been back. I guess that’s the process we all go through in the last years of our youth; learning to grow up or at the very least, learning to cope with everyone else growing up around you. It hasn’t been easy being back if I’m being truthful to myself, mostly because (and now I see) I have always used studying 400kms away from home as like a safe haven (if you can call it haven) and being back just means that I have to face quite a lot of things in the face, literally and metaphorically.
That said, I also learned one thing which is my room has somehow magically turned into a refuge for me. It makes me feel safe and completely secured. Most nights, being in this room has saved me from all these evil, disturbing thoughts that has made a permanent home in a big space of my mind. I say this because, it’s been tumultuous here at home and among some of the people I’m closest with and being able to just shut them out is something I really need. No mother, no you or you or you and YOU can penetrate the shield my haven has.
I’ve also learned to accept that some people are just not meant to stay in my life. I know that people always leave and sometimes they do come back but on the occasion that they don’t (which is more likely to happen, unfortunately) I am now able to cope with the empty space that those people leave behind. And sometimes people who leave, they don’t ever truly leave, they’re still there… Only, everything’s different and nothing is ever really be the same anymore (like in the case of me and former bestfriend). Besides, attempting to reconcile a relationship of that magnitude is just too much to take emotionally after all the hurt we’ve been through… You can’t really fix what was never really broken but when you go back it’s just not the same anymore. It’s there but there really is nothing you can do about it and that’s okay.
Well, I don’t really have a point here today… I just thought I’d update on what’s been going on. Haha. Until next time then.