Monday, March 30, 2015

Head Space.

Do you ever daydream so hard you kind of lose sight of what is real and what isn't? It happens to me sometimes, I just go off into some Weird Head Space where things that are likely to happen in real life happens and I come back down to reality and am unsure of what is real and what is not. 

It really is not all that strange to me and I don't find it distracting or annoying for any reason but it has been happening a lot more lately that I find myself struggling (for the first time) to determine whether or not the things I think/thought of is real or just a figment of my imagination. When I go off into that Head Space I don't usually daydream about exaggerated things but, I don't know, maybe wish to do on some subconscious level. Like today as I was taking a shower, I slipped into my Head Space and thought about cutting all my hair off (which I have been thinking to do for a while now but haven't for whatever reason) and when I come to, I had to run my fingers through my hair as I was shampooing because the images from my Head Space were so vivid, I wasn't truly sure myself if I had cut all my hair off or if it just happened in my head. 

Maybe it has something to do with my suicide ideation being exceptionally strong these days. I would generally wake up (if I went to sleep) and think about ways to kill myself that would not burden other people... much. But I never find a good way to off myself, so I just spend the rest of the day as usual (coffee, write, write, write, meet editors, coffee, write, write, dinner, read. rinse and repeat) with the thought of suicide at the back of my mind. 

My daily experience with suicide ideation... is kind of like having two cogs moving in motion at the background of my mind all day everyday, thinking up ways to off myself and scenarios leading up to the Big Event. As most cogs in old machinery, these cogs creak and make lots of sounds that demand attention but don't really get much because I have grown accustomed to these sounds they make. I do check up on them every morning before I start my day (why? maybe to see if they're still going? habit, perhaps? I don't know) and then I check up on them again before I go to sleep. If I don't sleep then I observe these cogs until I have to start my day. 

I don't know how socially acceptable it is to talk about these cogs but having come to the conclusion that no one of importance comes to this blog anymore, I don't feel like I am at risk of being called up and checked into a treatment facility. 

Not that I need to be checked into a treatment facility. 

I am not suicidal. 

I just fancy thinking about it. 

So there it is, after a few years, the update to the dullness that is my Head Space. 


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