Tuesday, February 23, 2010
So, while I was cleaning my room some few weeks ago, I found a letter I wrote when I was twelve for my (then) bestfriend, Aishah (which I of course never did gave the letter to her). It was surprising, to say the least how good my english was when I was twelve (this said, because I found other letters that I've written, and needless to say... My english was, to say the least, embarassing. Aside from that, what's so surprising was that my point of views haven't really changed much since I was twelve... That could mean one of two things, either I haven't grown up or I was pre-mature... but, it could also mean I'm just weird. Eitherway, I thought I'd share it here, since I feel like I have yet to share something truly personal that comes from deep within me... at least, the twelve year old me.
I think it is better when a person changes because that would mean that that person has evolved into something else because that would mean that at least they have the capability to adapt to new situations instead of staying in the same stoic mental state of mind. It was okay to be following you around for almost all of my primary school life, but I have come to realise that it is no longer okay for you to keep me on an invicible, but very long leash. It would be a huge lie if you (after reading this) come up to me and say you never kept me on a leash, because bitch, you know very well you did. That was all you wanted to be, the Queen Bee... And now that primary school is coming to an end, let's see the Queen Bee get thrown off the throne for good.
When you said I've changed because I 'no longer appreciate' your opinion, it was shocking to me.. Not because you said I've changed, but because you were actually paying attention to me and the things I say for once, enough to realise that I no longer wish to participate in this half-life, half-lie that I lead with you. Pretending that your boy problems (what with you cheating on that certain boy, and juggling him with those OTHER boys from your agama school) is way more important than anything I was going through. You must have fallen off from your bed when I talked back to you, instead of accepting every little hurtful thing you said to/about me like I usually do.
Aishah, finally standing up for myself isn't changing, it is just me finally getting my courage to be who I am. I like being me, at least who I am right now. If you really are my bestfriend, you would have been here with me, embracing me in this new light, but instead, like the cold stone you are, you stand there, arms wrapped around your very lamely, skinny fgure, the statue of a girl full of spite. How are you to be my friend, when clearly, you cannot accept such good change? I may very well change again in 5, 10 years time, and during that time I shall embrace the change, because let's face it, no one stays the same forever (because then the world will never evolve right?) and if you can't accept me in this whole new light how are you to accept me in 5, 10 years time? Eventhough I have tolerated and most importantly accepted you for who you are and all your daily tantrums and gedik-ness, you refuse to accept me... just when I start to learn about and to love myself. Now what does that say about you miss queen? Worst part is, instead of me leaving you (as it should be), you are leaving me for Iman!!! I do hope everything in your life works out for you, I really do. And I just know that my next bestfriend would be a million times better than you, and she or he, would NEVER leave me because I have evolved, my bestfriend would embrace the change and walk with me, step by step towards greatness, that is our future.
I always thought you were diamond in the rough, but you had to prove me wrong, I now see that you are stone... Cold, icy stone.
Have a good life.
About the 'Nicky', I can totally explain. We used to fancy ourselves the Hilton girls... naturally, I'm Nicky, the less famous, less prettier of the two... By choice of course, I always gave her what she wanted. I guess that was my fault really, couldn't blame her for leaving eyh? I mean, imagine her shock when she realised that I actually have backbone. Hahahahaha. If you know me, you'd see that I haven't changed much actually... Except the part where I let people walk all over me. I also don't walk on eggshells anymore. But other than that, I think my opinions are still, more or less similar to the twelve year old me. I haven't changed much really, it's just people that have yet to open their eyes and SEE me clearly and not just a shadow behind another person.
Reading the letter, and holding it in my hand really made me miss that passion, and fire I had for writing when I was years younger. I wish I haven't been stuck on this bloddy writer's block for the past two and a half years. God, please grant me some inspiration. Amin.